I have been feeling under the weather for a while, so I couldn't blog. I thought of something yesterday night in bed. I was remembering that I once wrote that when people say, "I love HAShem, but don't beleive in Rabbis and the Torah, etc...." that's not love. They don't love Hashem. They love a figment of their imagination whom they have crowned and made King of the World. Rabbi Arush once said in his shiur, "Its not enough to just sing, "Hakadosh Baruch Hu, anachnu ohavim otcha" and then go and sin and keep sinning. We have to prove our love by doing His will..."
I thought about that on last Shabbos and reflected my bad traits and middos that I seem to do repeatedly, unstoppably. I felt so guilty. "But I really do love you, Abba!" I shouted to Hashem with tears in my eyes. Then I realized something. My kids really do love me, I know thye do. When they act naughty, it's not because they love don't love me, it's cause we all have an evil inclination and we parents ain't no different! Then I said to Hashem, "My actions don't prove my love to you, perhaps; my regret does." And I realized that's true love. True love does not mean we never fail, it means that when we do, we feel really bad and make efforts to change.
So don't give up hope. You ewither love Hashem or you don't. Test yourself to see how much you love Him. How? See how much you are prepared to do for Him and how bad you feel when you've sinned.
Have a great week, friends!